Stalked

So there we were enjoying a nice meal celebrating KidDoodle 2 and my father-in-law's birthdays. The kids were pretty well behaved and I managed to scarf down some tasty ribs. A pretty nice evening all in all. After putting the kids to bid, I casually check my email and lo and behold, this is what is staring me in the face:

"razz spotting: 7:10pm charlestons, omaha, ne, usa.

razzmobile spotting: 7:15pm parking lot, charlestons, omaha, ne, usa."

W. T. F?

Her version of the story can be read here.

I can only imagine the conversation that went on at her table:

XC2: I think that was Razz and his beautiful daughter*.
HUSBAND: Who?
XC2: Razz. He's the guy I'm always talking about. I aspire to be like him.
HUSBAND: Right. (rolls eyes for the 1,000,000th time) Why didn't you say hi?
XC2: Nah, he wouldn't talk to a person like me. I'm not in his bloggy league.
HUSBAND: Waiter, can I have another scotch rocks please? More scotch, less rocks.

Did she say hi to me? No. I can't understand why. I mean, I'll talk with common-folk when it amuses me. Take it from the other bloggers who have met me (Tom and Amy from Runners Lounge and Vanilla):

1. It's an honor to meet me.
2. I'm much taller in person.
   
3. I'm a great guy. Hell, I'll even let you buy me a beer if you're so inclined.

I'm glad she was inside the restaurant and not in an adjacent parking lot looking at me like this:

Here's the kicker: As you may have picked up earlier, I'm a great guy. So what do I do for my fellow runner/stalker/fan? I extend a virtual olive branch by inviting her on a long run with me. What do I get in return? Well, to paraphrase:

No. Effing. Way.

She's probably too busy boiling bunnies or something.

*She did compliment my kids and, yes, they are adorable. Curiously enough, they didn't get the good looks from me. They got the attitude from me. Karma's a bitch, huh?

SSTIFY - Look Who's 2!

This week's SSTIFY is dedicated to this little stuntman:

This is KidDoodle2. He's 2 today. What can I say about the little guy? He knows 2 speeds:

1. Sleep
2. Dead-ass sprint

I have never seen the kid walk. Ever.

You know what he wants for his birthday?

An iPod. Hand to God.

So, if you think he's cute and you want to get him something, drop me an email and I'll give you my....er....his mailing address. Happy birthday, buddy!

Finally, 3 icons in American entertainment history passed away this week. Ed McMahon (best. sidekick. ever.), Farrah Fawcett (best. poster. ever.), and, Michael Jackson (creepiest. guy. ever.) Say what you want about him (Jackson), but this guy had some serious talent. I've had this song in my head for the past 18+ hours and, with the slow news week, probably for another 18.

Irony of Ironies

Shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

My iPod Shuffle met it's maker. It's done. Kaput. Fini.

I'm screwed. Hosed. 'effed.

See, now that I've embarked on my non-training training plan, I've relied on my iPod to drown out the heavy breathing (mine) during my intervals and tempo runs and it broke up the monotony of long runs.

We had some good times. It got me through the PFCRNRAZ. It played the right songs at the right times. It knew me. It knew when I just needed to chill and it knew when I needed that extra something (Air Supply anyone?) And now, just like that, it's gone.

The irony of all this is that it died the day after we launched our podcast. Granted, I'm the one that puts the show together, but I do like to listen to my silky, smooth voice out on the road.

The way I figure it is this:

You all owe me 1 iPod.

See, YOU were the ones that motivate me to get out there on the road and do this whole running thing. If it weren't for YOU, I'd be perfectly fine watching reruns of Too Close for Comfort and eating Pop Rocks. Because of YOU, I actually used my ipod rather than having it be a novelty gift from my sister.

Here's what I want. Strike that, here's what you owe me:

Feel free to email me your donations.

The Boys (and pregnant girl) are Back!

"Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in."
-Al Pacino, Godfather III*

It's been too long since I've been enamored with the sound of my own voice, andwhat's really been embarrassing were the emails I got from Vanilla, Nitmos, and Amy.

Vanilla: "How about that podcast? Are we going to start it up again?"
Nitmos: "Yeah, Matt. You were the glue that held us all together. Would you PLEASE start the podcast up again? I'm begging you!!"
Amy: "I have to pee."

Now how can I say no to their desperate cries?

It is with great pride, that we announce the rebirth of the Vanilla, Nitmos, Amy, and RazZDoodle podcast, newly titled "Banned on the Run". You'll notice that it's a blog page. Complete with a calendar! Obviously, that's in there for podcasters that do this with any sort of regularity or organization. You have 2 options:

1. You can listen to it from the site. I highly recommend this option if you want to get fired or, at the very least, get nasty looks from co-workers or fellow parishoners.
2. If you scroll wayyyyy down to the bottom of the page, you can download it into iTunes. Slicker than snot on a doorknob, as my mom would say.

If you have questions or comments about the 'cast, you can always leave a comment on the blog page, or you can email one of us. The other 3 are trying to make me be the fall guy if (when) we get nasty emails. Huh uh. I just produce and put it out there. So, if you have complaints, email Amy. She's hormonal and is always ready to fight.

Hope you enjoy it. The first episode was pretty much the 3 of us catching up. We hope to polish things up in the near future. It's not perfect, but neither are you.

*The only salvageable part of that movie. As far as I'm concerned, Godfather III never happened. You hear me? Never. Happened.

SSTIFY - I Got Nothin'

I really don't have a song in my head right now. Being the consummate professional that I am, though, I'll still put one out there. This will go perfect with my new uterus (on back order at Amazon.com) and for Vanilla who, apparently, likes to drink fancy and for Nitmos, who blatantly stole my post....and I have documentation on that.

3 words for this video: "WTF?"

Enjoy:

What He Said

I was going to post pretty much the same thing as Nitmos, but I was busy feeding my kids, getting them dressed and being an all-around great dad. So.......here.

Know Your Limitations

I know my limitations.  I know that facial hair is something I need to shave off.  I also know I can't dance.  In fact, if you see me dancing, I'm completely drunk.  (the same could be said for the facial hair thing.)  

Some people, however, don't know their limitations.  If you're a tad bit overweight, don't wear a shirt that either accentuates that fact or a shirt that fit you when you were 50 lbs. lighter.  I don't need to see your "treasure trail" out for the world to see....especially at church. 

The same could be said about runners.  If you run a 9:00/mile, then don't line up in the front.  If you've never practiced the art of Snot Rocketing, then don't try it at mile 5 when I'm behind you.

That being said, I must confront one of my own limitations:

Going shirtless.

I know in all of your heads that you've conjured up this striking image of myself.  Tall, dark, handsome.  I understand.  I get it all the time.  When you meet me, though, you'll realize I'm just like the rest of you.  Sure, I may be sexy as all hell, but I'm just a regular guy.  A regular guy who will never, under any circumstances, take his shirt off.   Why?  Because that's one of my limitations.

Apparently, it's not for a lot of people that I know and/or see a lot.  In fact, I'm convinced that, in my neighborhood, there must be a covenant that states, "If the homeowner intends to do any type of work outside, said owner must be shirtless."  Alas, this does not apply to the female homeowner.  And that, my dear readers, is a 70/30 shot at best. 

Nevertheless, if I plan on doing these blasted intervals throughout the summer, I have to have a strategy.  The way I see it, I have 1 of 2 options:

1. Do my interval training early in the morning.
2. Do interval training later in the day, but without a shirt.

It's getting pretty damn humid here in the Heartland, so that's why I have to make this decision.  Seeing as though I didn't have the foresight to build a track in my backyard, I'd be forced to drive to the local track and do my training.  Do I really want to be that guy?  Isn't it enough that I've bought the shoes, the wicking shirts, the Garmin, etc.?  Am I now so entrenched that I am willing to drive at the butt crack o'dawn to get my training in?

Number 2 isn't much better of an option.  For the sake of all Heartland-kind, it just wouldn't be fair.  That, and the fact that I'd be training at the high school and I know one of my students would be there.  I'd put $100 on that in a heartbeat.

So there you have it....the most important decision I have to make this summer.  I know, I know, while the rest of you toil at work, I'm making crucial decisions.  Have pity on my soul.

SSTIFY - Annnnnd Release

I attended my first yoga class yesterday. A teacher at our school is training to be a yogi (is that the right term?) on the side. For the record, a LOT of teachers have side jobs. Yours truly included. I'd put a link to my website, but I have to update some things, but suffice it to say, for all of your event videography needs in the Nebraska/Iowa area (shooting and/or editing), email me. I'm AWESOME*! 

The teacher was pretty good and the class, well, I thought I'd be sore and get a great workout out of it. I felt good afterward, but....meh. I handled all the poses pretty well. Probably because I'm a man.  

Onto this week's SSTIFY. I don't know how I've avoided this song for so long, but my students got this in my head this week. Yes, they're out of school, but they came back when I bribed them with free pizza so they would help me clean out the TV studio. I'll bet hard-earned cash that, if you to play this in the office, at least one person starts singing it. Enjoy.

*except in the eyes of the Almighty Apple. Bitter? Party of one.

Team Meeting

Last week, our relay team met for the first time. I know 4 of the 8 members and I know they were all dying to meet me. I mean, who wouldn't? After the meet and greet and the obligatory autographs from me, we sat down and discussed strategy.

Strategy?

In this relay, our experienced runner - the runner who has 25 marathons under his belt - suggested that the stronger runners run 3 legs, each varying in difficulty. And guess what kids?

I'm one of the stronger runners. (insert snarkiness here)

Yep, I've also been reminded that there's a 10 hour limit on this race, so I had better get my ass in gear and get some miles and speedwork under my belt. The best part? I start out the race. Yee friggin' haw. Since you cling to my every word, I'll give you all the details. Here are how my stages break down:

STAGE 1

Difficulty: Hard

Length: 2.77 miles

Surface: Brick and Paved Road

Exchange Point: Old Market (11th Jackson)
Comments/Predictions: Freakin' sweet. I'm familiar with the area and there ain't a flat spot to be found. Looks like "hills" will be in my training vocabulary. It's only 2.7 miles, so that won't be too bad, right? RIGHT??

STAGE 9

Difficulty: Easy

Length: 5.41 miles

Surface: Crushed Limestone

Exchange Point: Springfield
Comments/Predictions: Crushed limestone? The last time I ran a race on limestone, it sucked. And I mean S-U-C-K-E-D. Some people enjoy that sort of thing. I call those easily amused people, "simple folk".

STAGE 17

Difficulty: Easy

Length: 4.14 miles

Surface: Crushed Limestone

Exchange Point: Eagle Trailhead - Mopac (Eagle, NE)
Comments/Predictions: I've lived in Nebraska for most of my life and I've never even heard of the Mopac trail. I'm pretty sure I know where Eagle is. They have a motor racetrack and one of the most underrated golf courses I've ever played. That, and I think there's a town near there where you can eat bull fries. Look it up if you don't know what they are. In fact, if someone offers you bull fries, just blindly say yes and watch the hilarity ensue. Here's a little known fact about Nebraska: there are 2 parts to the state - 1) The Omaha/Lincoln area and 2) the rest of it. Ask most people from the Omaha and they'll tell you that anything west of Lincoln is "outstate". It pisses the rest of the state off while we Omahans giggle, point and laugh.

P.S. - I'm amused by these two idiots who are having a virtual slapfest versus one another. It'll keep me entertained until one of them gives up....or cries. Whichever comes first.

P.P.S. - Upon reflection, the past few posts could be construed as overly-snarky. To that, I say "shut it and move on to the next blog." You'd be cranky too if you just finished "working" for 15-18 year olds. I consider it decompressing. Either that, or I've grown a uterus and now have PMS. Fantastic. Add that to the list.

Bassackwards

First an update on my recent colossal failure: As it turns out, 8 of 11 students failed the test. Most people would read that as:

1. A problem with the instructor
2. A problem with the test
3. Both 1 and 2

See how I did that? See how clever I am? I constructed it like a question! By the way, the correct answer would be #2. As of this writing, Apple sees no inherent flaws with their testing system and, according to Apple, I'm not worthy of teaching a subject that I've been teaching for the past 6 years.

On to a post about running...novel concept!

I've kind of fallen bassackwards into the FIRST program. Unlike most of you, I really don't have anything to train for...at least, not until later this summer. So.....rather than keep plugging along, I've decided to loosely adhere to the program? Only 3 days of training? Sweet! Only one long run? Bitchin'! So, yeah, I'm sticking to a training program wherein I'm not training for anything. I'm just lazy.

And, since none of you ever describe a tempo run, I had to go out there and research it myself. You know, when you say, "I'm off to do a tempo run", maybe you shouldn't assume that we know what you're talking about. Maybe you should write for RazZDoodle. Did you ever think about that? Huh?

I digress.

I have had someone help guide me through interval training, to whom I say thank you. I shan't reveal my source, but the list who DIDN'T care to help me is much longer. Ungrateful SOBs. Right now, I kind of dig intervals. It's something different and our school has a pretty boss track, so all is well. Tempo runs....they're OK for now. I can see myself tiring of those quicker than intervals. As for the long run, well it's a long run. I've done plenty of those.

My relay training starts later in August, so I'm just maintaining for now. That training program introduces 2-a-days. That should make for some entertaining posts. Much tougher than running a mile on a treadmill for 30 days straight. But I digress.

Test Results

FAIL

SSTIFY Friday - So Special

Yeah, so I've been in a 4 day training seminar about the video editing software that we have at school.

4 days
8 hours a day
No sunlight
11 people

And at this seminar are "those people". You know 'em. Let's go down the list, shall we?

1. The DoucheBag - He's the guy that already knows everything and is just waiting to finish up so he can edit the next great feature film. All the while he sighs, rolls his eyes, and just blesses us with his presence. Oh, and he leaves at long stretches of time during the session.
2. The Agenda Guy - This is the guy, be it at training sessions or meetings, that only asks questions that pertain to him. Could it be taken to a one-on-one level? By any thinking, functioning human being, yes. This guy, though, grinds the session to a halt to satisfy his curiosity. "Oh, I don't mean to hold the group up, but......." is usually his calling card.
3. The Hot One - There's one in every training session. Male or female, they're there.*
4. The Mom - She's the one that is cool under pressure and makes sure that, even though we're all getting fried, there's still peace in the land.
5. The Teacher's Pet - Sits up front. Finishes the instructor's thought. Throws out random bits of trivia to impress him/her.
   

So after 4 days of this crap, I'm going to sit down and take a 90 question test. Oh, that and the instructor has to watch me teach and evaluate me. Apparently, my license and degree in secondary ed won't cut it in the eyes of Steve Jobs and his disciples.

So......I'm a little frazzled. The fact that this song has been running through my head the better part of the week hasn't helped.


For those of you with kids in the 2-5 range, you've seen this show. If you haven't, consider yourself blessed. This is the dumbest show Disney has ever produced....including anything with Tim Allen in it. Christ, a half an hour teaching me how to mail a letter? And they're always in 3 steps:

Step 1 - Go over to the toilet
Step 2 - Sit down
Step 3 - Push hard

Congratulations! You've taken a dump! Yeah!

I really need to take this test and get on with my life. Have a good weekend everyone!

*oddly enough, I'm not that one. I checked.

Walk for Cady - Race Report

On May 31st, 2007 Cady Reynolds, a 16 year old Omaha girl was killed by a driver that ran a red light. The driver, also a 16 year old, was distracted.

In honor of Cady, her parents have been advocates non-distracted drivers ever since. Primarily, they focus on teenagers being distracted (texting, on the phone, music too loud, etc.) Their annual fundraiser is a race/walk that they hold around the anniversary of her accident. One of my students was best friends with Cady. It also turns out that Cady's youngest brother was in KidDoodle 1's preschool this year. Needless to say, this event was important to us. If you're interested in more information about the organization, click here.

Now, on to the race report:

KidDoodle 2 and I go to pick up our packets the day before. The pickup is at the family's house, and they've got it down to a science. It's almost a drive-thru sort of thing. Roll down your window, give them your name, and you get your registration and t-shirts. Pretty smart. No bib number, but I figured that. This race is going to be pretty informal, but no less important.

The day of the race, it was absolutely beautiful outside. Lower 70's with a slight breeze off of the lake (yes, we have lakes in Nebraska). There are a lot more people than I expected, too and there was a lot of orange. It turns out that was Cady's favorite color. Very cool to see that. I move away from the crowds so that I can stretch out and get ready. Like I said, really informal but I still want to do my routine before a run. While I'm stretching, 2 of my students (one former, one current) see me there. They give me a weak attempt at smack and the former student is a little over-competitive, so NOW I have something to shoot for.

The race director (a.k.a. - Cady's dad) tells us the route we're taking and then, as an aside, tells us that it's not really a 5 mile run, but a little less than that. No big deal. I look for my students at the starting line, but can't see them. When the director says "go", I'm off...but I'm stuck behind some people. Ah, it's nice to know no matter how big or small the race, there are still "those people". I negotiate my way around them and find my pace. Once I settle in, though, my 2 students blaze past me. Well, hell, that ain't gonna do. I pick up my pace - not to pass them - but to keep them in my crosshairs. I look at my Garmin and this is setting me up for a tempo run. Not only that, but - as I keep a comfortable distance - we go from a 7:45/mile to an 8:20/mile pace. They're all over the map. I know that they know I'm behind them. Stalker. There's no way they can keep this up. Sure enough, around 1.5 miles, they stop to rest....and they are gassed. In the imortal words of Nelson in The Simpsons:

Ha ha!

So now that I've passed them, my plan is twofold:

1. Don't let them catch up.
2. Don't stop to rest

As I wind around the lake, I see another runner/competitor. She is a consistent 250-300 yards ahead of me. Passing her is my new goal. That, and she probably listened to directions for the race. If I lose her, this could either be a 3 mile run or an 8 mile run. A couple of times, she stops and walks and I catch up to about 100 yds. behind her. Then, she takes off again. She can't keep this up, I tell myself. I will be victorious. She stops a third time and I overtake her. The problem is is that we're at a point in the race where I don't know where to turn. Begrudgingly, I ask her where we go and she says "follow me". Yeah, my ass.

I follow her for about 150 yards, make the turn and she starts her kick. As luck would have it, Lose Yourself comes on the iPod shuffle. It's on now. I overtake her and manage to place 3rd-ish (out of about 40-ish) I know I won my age division, so I'll go hang my hat on that.

P.S. - My students came in at least 15 minutes behind me.

It was a great day for a great cause and I hope that they raised a lot of money for their efforts. I know that this will be an annual event for the RazZDoodles.

*Editor's Note - Oh yeah, my kids and wife did the walk. I forgot about them. KidDoodle 1 was planning on running the 1 miler, but opted not to. KidDoodle 2 was just along for the ride. WifeDoodle had to push the stroller on a mainly limestone path. She got a workout for the day, though.