SSTIFY - The Antichrist is Still a Good Babysitter

I'm pretty sure the Bible states that Barney is actually Satan.  It's probably in Leviticus.  I never got around to that book in my Saturday night Bible Study, so...yeah...Leviticus.  Oh well, he's still a better babysitter than I am.  At least the purple Beelzebub can keep my kid still for more than 30 seconds.

My son is obsessed with Barney.  I can deal with most of the kids crap that's on TV.  Thomas the Train?  Fine.  Sesame Street?  Long live Ernie and his "roommate" Bert.  I can even live with the 4 guys from Australia that wear brightly colored shirts and have a knack of getting songs jammed into adults' heads.  Not only that, but their net worth is that of a 3rd world country.  Ladies and gentlemen, The Wiggles!

So KidDoodle2 and I are watching The Wiggles one morning and he (my son) is pissed off.  I mean Pissed. Off.  Barney is nowhere to be seen.  I tell him I needed a break from that overly animated, cherubic piece of purple felt and the brainwashed kids that follow him around like some sort of deity.  His response?

"Watch Barney!"

As we're having this argument, this week's SSTIFY entry comes on the show.  KidDoodle2 is mesmerized and, for 3 minutes and 34 seconds, he forgets about Barney. The following is not a Wiggles Original, but it should be recognizable....even for the youngins who read this blog.

These guys creep me the hell out.  Especially the purple one.  He's a narcoleptic on the show.  Just falls asleep for no reason.  That's his "thing".  Really?  REALLY?  My God...this is what we're teaching our children.  There is a female dancer in this video, however, that should be more prominent in the show from here on out (:47 in, on the left).  That aside, I still can't get this damn song out of my head.  Here it is:


Good luck to Laura and Lam this Sunday in New York!  For everyone else, have a happy and safe Halloween everyone!

Redemption?

Remember when I said that ROATM was going to be more about running?  Yeah, I don't pay that much attention either.  I suppose me flipping off my laptop camera is going to be as varied as it gets. With story deadlines looming, though, I'm bound to either snap or write about it.

With KidDoodle 1 being sick today, I find myself with about 6 tabs open in Firefox....most of them dealing with running. Before you question my parenting skills, she's watching Dinner Impossible:  Sesame Street.  She's content, so leave me alone.

Anywho, I still have that personal asterisk floating around my one and only marathon.  I think, I THINK that it's time for redemption.  According to McMillan's running calculator (thanks B.o.B. for adding another tab), I could run a marathon in 3:49:24 and a half marathon in 1:48:46.

Well, that would be impressive, wouldn't it?

The Lincoln Marathon would be the race for me to do it, too.  It's a flat, fast course and it's a well-run race.  In fact, it's one of the best race experiences I've had.  The drawback to all of this is training in the winter. 'Round here, that sort of thing s-u-c-k-s.  Ice, wind, cold rain, etc. equals a few treadmill training runs.  Ugh.

So there I have it.  Lincoln Marathon.  It's out there.  It's a possibility.  I just need to move back to Phoenix to do my training.

P.S. - I want to thank everyone for sharing in my pain in yesterday's post.  My administrators are looking into it.  Thanks.  So.  Much.

Expletive Expletive Expletive

I'm going to make this quick.  Kind of like ripping off a band aid.  I have to approve 25 stories in 3 days, so I may actually have to put my teaching certificate to use this week.

Nebraska got beat.
Nebraska got embarassed.
Nebraska can't hang on to the damn ball.

What's worse is I bet this guy that NU would cover (18 points).  You would think I'd have learned my lesson from betting Vanilla last year.* Lesson learned?  I'm an idiot.

It's a good thing I enjoy Adam's blog because I can't stand his team on 2 levels:  I'm a Husker fan and a Hawkeye fan (8-0 baby!!!!!).  Why is it that the 'Clones' fight song sounds like the Girl Scouts theme song?  Oh well...never let it be said I welch on bets.  The bet was that the loser needed to make a sign and post it on their blog.  I went Photoshop on ya:

Yeah, I'm still a little bitter.

*curiously, I can't find the link to that picture.  Huh.

SSTIFY - Sporadic Inspiration Came Early!

We're all familiar with the phenomenon.  One of your friends, 99% of the time female, screams "LET'S DO KARAOKE!"  With trepidation, you figure that you can get really drunk and watch people make fools of themselves.

5 Cuervo shots later, you're grabbing the microphone from a guy who, in your alcohol-fueled opinion, just mutilated "Unchained Melody".

Which brings me to this week's interactive SSTIFY:  What is the best karaoke song of all time?  I'm not asking what song YOU like to sing, but what is the one song that everyone in the bar sings.  I mean, everyone.  There's been some debate on this in some of the circles I run in*.  Here are some that we came up with.  Feel free to add any in the comments box:

First on the playlist:

I chose the scene from Beautiful Girls because it represents the essence of what I'm trying to do here. That, and Uma Thurman is hot. At the very least, if you aren't singing the "bah bah BAHHH" part, you have no soul.

Next up:

A quick YouTube search for this song gave me more karaoke versions than the actual version. Coincidence? I think not.

Thirdly, this was offered up:

OK, then.

Have a good weekend everyone!

* Look! I made a running reference!

New Crap, Better Wrapper

If you haven't noticed, I've got me some new digs here at ROATM.  It was time for a change.  I don't know if this will necessarily kick me in the ass to blog more, but at least it's different.

As I wrote previously, I don't know how much more I can write consistently decent stuff about running.  I envy those that can...and those people should know who they are.  Some would argue that they are still waiting for my decent stuff (the same aforementioned people).   Either way, I'm stickin' around in the blogosphere.  It's too much damn fun.  Most of the posts probably won't be about running, but I'd be remiss if I didn't throw one in now and again.

So what am I going to write about?  Who the hell knows?  Probably random crap that goes on in my warped little world.  Tomorrow's post will be fun AND interactive.*

I can guarantee at least one thing:

• I'll still use bullet points.

Happy reading!

P.S. - I'm going under the assumption that any of you really give a s**t about all of this.  That's a big assumption.

Editor's Note - If someone can tell me how to change these damn yellow checkmarks back to bullets, please let me know.
*that is what we call a "tease" in the business.

State of the Blog Report

This is easily my favorite time of year. The leaves are changing. The air is brisk. My beloved college football team takes a giant dump on their home field. Ahh…the sites, sounds, and smells of fall. Save for a few fun runs, it also means the end of my racing season which, in turn, leads me to reflect.

I think I can sum up the 2009 running season with this tired cliché: Quality over quantity.

It was a very eventful year on the road for me. In January, I completed my first marathon. I still have an asterisk by it due to my IT band issues. It’s all very wonderful for a lot of you to say “hey, you finished” in the comments box (yes, I went back and checked), but the asterisk remains.

I PR’d in a few races, which is good. I did some speedwork over the summer, but not as consistently as I would've liked. For some reason on race day, though, I had a fire under my ass. Yay me.

I always wanted to run a relay and I did that and plan to do it again next year.

So what’s on tap for 2010 you all ask? I don’t rightly know just now. Should I work on speed and, thusly, new PRs? Should I set “more races” as a goal? I’ve got some ideas rattling around in my head like that ball bearing they use in spray paint cans.

As for ROATM, I’ve noticed that, as my training goes, so goes the blog. Since I’m not in any sort of training, who knows what you all will get from me? Maybe I could write about how cold it is or why it sucks to run on a treadmill. Been there. Done that. I’m not calling this a blog hiatus, per se, and I’m not leaving. Been there, done that, too. Maybe we'll just call it "sporadic inspiration". Yeah, I like that.

I leave you with a link about blogging. It’s a pretty interesting take on the medium. There are a lot of big words. Even I had to look some up, but I highly recommend it if you want to look like you’re doing research at work (translation: no pictures) or you have 8 hours of Parent-Teacher conference to kill.

Andrew Sullivan, Why I Blog, The Atlantic, November 2008

SSTIFY - Paper Slippers and an Orange Jumpsuit

It's been a week since the relay and I haven't done a damn thing. Well, that's not true. Parent/Teacher conferences were this week. Tedious, creepy and bizarre all at the same time.

I have tried like a mofo to get this song out of my head all week. I even googled "omaha" and "labotomy", but didn't get much. Not even a picture of yours truly (thought I'd beat you all to the punch on that one).

Well, well, well....Ms. Cyrus ain't Hannah Montana anymore, huh? I imagine mom sphincters throughout suburbia collectively clenched after watching this video.

It's a Party in the USA - M2M Relay Report

This was a good idea in May.

Even for me, 4:45am came too early Saturday morning. I dragged my sorry ass out of bed and headed downstairs. I noticed it was brighter than usual outside. I looked outside and there was snow. A LOT more snow than the "experts" had predicted.

Fannnnnntastic.

I'd have been to the team captain's house a lot sooner, but the snow stuck to the street signs and I was in a neighborhood where all the streets and houses look the same. Ugh. Nevertheless, I made it in good time and, then next thing I know, they're dropping me off at the starting line.

Due to the lousy weather conditions, a local restaurant opened up its doors to the runners. They even provided coffee, bananas, and apples to us. Thank you Upstream Brewing Company! (they deserve the plug) The restaurant manager looked at us like we were all insane, but he had a lot of fun with it. I even think he snapped a few pics.

"Look for the pink gorilla with the trombone."

Well, of course the starter is a pink gorilla with a trombone. Of course. Promptly at 6:45, the trombone sounded and we were off. I took my first .25 miles at a 6:30 pace. Yes, I'd like to order a big heaping plate of adrenaline please! I finally settled down and tackled the hills better than I anticipated. In fact, I was finishing about :30 under my expected pace. I get to the relay point and......

....and.......

.....no team member. Not one. They're all in the van. Runner #2 was going to jump out at the last second and take it from there.

Relay Lesson Learned #1 - Don't jump out at the last second and take it from there.

Here's another thing they don't tell you in the brochure: the van is really REALLY hot when the heater is cranked for the non-runners and you just finished. Holy hell.

At the beginning of Stage 3, I offered to navigate. I was reading directions to the next stage and, after about 2 minutes, it dawned on me that I was reading the directions for Stage 4. Fortunately, we located another mud-caked 18-passenger van and we followed that to the next relay point. Crisis averted.

I was not allowed to navigate again.

Relay Lesson Learned #2 - Stake your claim in the van. Do not give up your territory under any circumstances.

Once we got into a groove, all of our shit was strategically strewn about in our "area". I found a heater on my side of the van, so I put my shoes there.

An email from my wife:
WIFE: What's the van smell like?
ME: Like Cheezits, stale coffee, bananas and feet. Basically like the gorilla cage at the zoo. All we're missing is the tire swing.
WIFE: Ick.

Ick, indeed.

Relay Lesson Learned #4 - Find people that you can deal with for 13+ hours. My vanmates were a very fun bunch. We didn't take it too seriously, as was evident by our "baton" (zebra striped snap bracelet). We're serious runners, but we had great perspective on the whole day.

My stage came up quicker than a I thought (a mere 5 hours after my first one) and I got off to a decent pace. It was flat and fast. The only issue was the fact that I didn't reset my Garmin, so I was doing Marathon Math trying to figure out how much I had left to run. Again, an 8 minute mile pace. I'll take it, but I'm worried about my last stage. IT band problems, dead legs, a wonderful combo of the 2? Oh the suspense!

Relay Lesson Learned #6 - Eat. Eat more than you think you need to, but don't eat beef jerky and Laffy Taffy after a 5.5 mile tempo run.

I'm just sayin'.

We wind around the better part of Eastern/Southeastern Nebraska. I swear my team could have dumped me out and I could've been left for dead. The only thing next to my crow-picked carcass would have been my RoadID. Oh the irony.

Relay Lesson Learned #5 - Find a radio station that everyone can agree on.

So I put my hands up
They’re playing my song,
And the butterflys fly away
Noddin’ my head like yea
Movin my hips like yea
I got my hands up,
They’re playin my song
I know im gonna be ok
Yea, It's a party in the USA
Yea, It's a party in the USA

No matter how loud I played music on my iPod and no matter what type of music it was, I could NOT get that song out of my head. By our count, we heard that song along 10 times.

10. Effing. Times.

At this point, everything becomes a blur. Get out of the van, freeze, congratulate teammate, get back in the van. Here are some extraneous observations:

• Spotted: Big Al's Auto Body Repair and Video Rental. Uh yes. I need a new windshield and a DVD copy of "Big" please.
  
• Saw a chick light up after her last stage. Classic.
• We decided after everyone's last stage, we'd have a libation for them at their "finish line". Best Miller Lite ever. I detest those types of beers (even though some pictures would refute that), but that beer almost tasted as good as my Michelob Ultra after the PF changs marathon.

During the last 2 stages, we were all really really punchy or really really quiet. It wasn't until the finish line that we perked up.

And broke out the good booze.

Team Oh My God What Have I Gotten Myself Into finished with a time of 12 Hours 38 Minutes 1 Second

Would I do it again? Absolutely! I recommend it to all runners....as long as you follow my simple rules.

Oh yeah, there's one more thing....

Due to the weather, the post-race shindig was moved to the biggest bar in downtown Lincoln. As we head down there, it occurs to me that it's Saturday night, there are about 1000+ runners in there...it's gonna be packed.

And it was.

Now how the hell am I going to find XC2? Oh wait, she's by the band.

I wave.

I yell.

Her teammates are looking at me like I'm some sort of creeper. Now I think that I have the wrong chick. Turns out I didn't and she hunted me down like she's been known to do.

Legendary meeting?

We talked for a strong 20 seconds and then my teammates informed me that we were leaving to go eat somewhere else. I'll describe the meeting in my own true fashion.

• I was a yammering idiot. 3 tempo runs that start at 6:45am will do that to you.
  
• I hate MGD Light, but after 14 hours in a van, horse piss drained through a dirty sock would've tasted good. Fortunately, this bar had that in can form.
• She's a very cool person. Very cool.

Party in the USA everyone!

Alone With My Thoughts

I know it's a Running Cardinal Sin to look at the weather forecast days in advance. I know this because I read it on a blog. I also read on a blog that you should get plenty of rest and eat/drink right the day before the race. Whatever. That being said, take a gander at what the brave men and women at Offutt AFB are predicting for Saturday:

Sweet. I looked at the forecast for Lincoln, hoping it would read "High of 75, no wind, and it'll smell like lilacs in the breeze", but no dice. Especially the lilacs part.

There's also this curious rule about no headphones. Yeah. Yeah. We all know the drill. They say no headphones, but what are they going to do, right? Here's the deal, though. I'm starting this race with only 50 other people. Seeing as though I'm sexy as hell, I'm going to stand out...regardless of the fact that I'll be wrapped up like Ralphie from A Christmas Story.

The first leg sans iPod will be no big deal. I get to run in the city limits, uphill, past my former Love Palace/Apartment (complete with spiral staircase) and between our zoo and Rosenblatt Stadium, the current - but not for long - home of the College World Series.

The other 2 stages will be a challenge. It's Nebraska, so you can imagine the scenery. If anyone tells you that Nebraska is beautiful they're:

A) The Governor of Nebraska
B) From Kansas
C) High

My only hope is that I run up on a Jackalope. What are they going to do at Mile Marker 56 if I want to break out the Boz Scaggs or some postgame analysis of the Nebraska win over Mizzery? Are they going to pull me off the trail? Nah!

I'm going to be dangerous. In fact, "Danger" is my middle name. I throw caution to the wind on a regular basis. Sometimes I even go down the mall escalator without using the railing.

Bad. To. The. Bone.

Sidenote #1 - Thank God Vanilla and Nitmos are back in the mix. It's tough carrying on the tradition of mildly amusing, half-assed posts over here. My shoulders are tired from carrying the burden. You both owe me.

Sidenote #2 - (insert obligatory rebuttal to XC2's weak-sauce smack here. Depends on what route she takes. If we're lucky, she'll break out the Garmin smack. "Your watch sucks". Oooohhh....burn!)

How To Annoy Teammates and Influence People

I pored over all of your comments from a previous post and Ace came up with a great idea:

I suggest you be "that" guy. You know the one who starts singing songs and tries to get everyone to join in? The guy who plays kids travel games? The guy who brings garlic and onion bagels? The entertainment possibilities are endless.

Thanks Ace. Maybe I should be "that guy". Here are some more ideas:

• We could sing this:

Claim that all this running makes me gassy

Tell them I get carsick as soon as I get in the van.

Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

How much is a little bit further? How much is a little bit further?

Bring a rack of ribs for my lunch.

Pull out a flask before I start to drive. Ya know, one for the road.

Bring porn

Go shirtless, but only inside the van.

Hang my head out the window....even if it's raining.

Bring my Carpenter's Greatest Hits CD

Mad Libs anyone?

Stare at the person sitting next to me for an entire stage.

Any other ideas?

Sidenote - It sounds as if my fellow Omahan is hell-bent on making sure she lays down some smack about this relay.

Her projected win will look good in the trophy case, won't it? An XC2 win means a twentysomething triathlete beat a 37-year-old father of 2. An XC2 loss means said triathlete got beat by a 37-year-old father of 2.

Personally, I think this smack-talk is a defense mechanism. Let's talk about the elephant in the room, shall we?

Done and done.

Burrito Run Pics

Burritos out of a cooler? Yes please!

(insert size joke here)

Our group cheated. We unwrapped our burrito before the horn went off. One lady actually got ticked off about it.

Holy s**t. Pinto beans.

Runner #85 = Tool

Holy ****, What Have I Done? A Race Report

Friday afternoon, I almost resigned myself to the fact that I'd be posting about how I didn't run this race. See, KidDoodle1 came down with strep. Oddly enough, that was pretty fortuitous for yours truly because the rest of the RazZDoodle Saturday suddenly became clear....

Except for my date with a chicken burrito and a 4x400 interval.

I'll be honest. I walked onto our school's track Saturday afternoon with some trepidation. I was half expecting the scene from Monty Python's Holy Grail. Bodies lying everywhere. Lots of wretching. Burrito fragments as far as the eye could see. In reality, it was fairly benign. I saw a LOT of students (100+), a kid being pushed in a wheelchair (broken foot), a homemade burrito mascot and about 10 of my students.

Awesome.

I grabbed my bib # (seriously) and headed over to the field to talk to some fellow competitors (i.e. - teachers). I was looking around to see if anyone was taking this seriously. I spotted one guy, a football coach of ours, who takes everything seriously. He's uber-competitive. Very nice guy, but very competitive. Anyhow, he's warming up by doing strides.

Warming. Up.

I, on the other hand, am cautiously looking around the track for any signs of pukeage and/or poopage. None. There was a rumor that one kid puked but it was never verified. Great...so I could be the one and only.

I get into position, get my burrito, a glass of water and I'm nervous. Let me say that again: I'm nervous. Students, staff, and board members are all watching about 20 of us. Couple that with the fact that a video camera is practically up my nose (in HD, no less). The starter (i.e. - boys XC coach) lines us up, gives us the rules and he blows an airhorn to start us. I can't look at the burrito. I like Qdoba, but not at a rapid pace. Not only that, but this little bugger has pinto beans.

I. Hate. Pinto. Beans.

So, NOW I'm not looking at my burrito. I'm also gunning down water per the suggestion of some students and I'm looking at my competition. Football Coach didn't even chew. He was off like a shot. I suck down the rest of my burrito and I'm the third guy off and running.

Not bad. All systems calm. I make it about half way around the track and the head of our department, who's also the girls cross country coach, is coming up on me. WTF? She's like 100 lbs.! She's a great runner, but this was my one and only chance to beat her. She slowed down to chat with me for about a 1/2 lap and then she was off like a shot.

So there I was, just kinda treating it like an interval run. Oh, and I passed the 2nd guy out of the gate. He must've concentrated on the burrito training moreso than the running portion.

My students? They're cheering me on and shooting video and, for some odd-ass reason, I have my game face on. I'm in a burrito eating contest/race and I've got my game face on. Tool.

I finish. Walk off for about a half lap and then come back....with the worst taste in my mouth.

Ever.

Finishing time (from burrito to finish line): 8:58.

No puking. No pooping. A PR.

Potential pics and video in a future post.

Would I do it again? Absolutely! It was a lot of fun and it was a very successful fundraiser for the Cross Country teams.

But I won't be having a burrito until I have to train.

PR!

Before I go into the Qdoba 1 Mile Burrito Run race report, I ask you this:

Boston it Ain't

I'm pretty confident that these rules aren't in the Boston Marathon:

1. There will be a 10 meter "eating zone" located in front of the starting line. You must consume the entire burrito inside the 10 meter zone and show the race official that you have consumed the burrito by opening your mouth. After the official gives you the okay, you may begin your four laps. Sweet. I want that official's job.
   
2. If you feel the burrito coming back up your esophagus, find the nearest trashcan along the track. There will be no penalty for releasing your burrito back into the world, your time will end after your four laps. It's not the esophagus I'm worried about, coach.
   

You'll be glad to know that I've trained for this and I'm ready. I even went above and beyond and had steak burritos and chips. I'm good to go.

My students have agreed to tape this and make this a story in our next show. Yee haw. Full race report on Monday.

Good luck to those running those measly races! You know...the ones with timing chips and racing bibs. Weenies.