Who Shrunk These?

Last night, my wife tries on her new dress for this semi-formal dinner/fundraiser that we're going to this Saturday.  Don't start.  It's for our kid's school.  Anywho, I decide to try on my suit before this little shindig just to see if it still fit.  My 2 suits have been taking up much-needed hoodie sweatshirt space in my closet since we moved in nearly 6 years ago.  Not surprisingly, the first thing I noticed was the dust on it.  Whoops.  OK, it probably needs to be dry cleaned anyhow.  I think the last time I wore it was when I was dancing around a bar after the wedding caterers kicked us out.


Next thing, was that the belt was stuck to the pants.  Stuck. To. The. Pants.  After some light pulling, the belt pulled off.  No big deal, I'll wear another belt, problem solved.  Then, I tried on the coat.  I looked so sexy with my Adidas pants and wool coat.  Damn sexy.

Then, came the pants.

Fuck.

Now, I can't go out and get a new suit and have it ready by Saturday and, really, the only time I wear a suit is to some weddings and a funeral here or there.  Now what?  Eat better and run like hell, I guess.  Yesterday didn't help.  A parent that I helped out with a project brought in a dozen cupcakes.  The kind of cupcakes that you see on Cupcake Wars (which is an actual show).  Today was "Build Your Own Nachos" for lunch, but you know what?  I opted for the salad..and put cheese on it....and breaded chicken....and creamy italian dressing.

Oh yeah, those pants are going to fit me sooner than I think.

Sheen Has Nothing On Me

The following post takes place from Thursday evening to Sunday evening.  All of the events are true.  They have not been embellished for dramatic purposes.  Read with caution.  

This was not a good weekend.  I mean,  I went on a crap/junk food bender of Charlie Sheen proportions.  Where do I start?  A bullet point diary, if you will:

• Thursday - I worked 2 basketball games at school.  Workers get to eat free, so.....2 pieces of Valentino's Pizza (Nebraska favorite), 1 soft pretzel with nacho cheese, a Snickers bar, and 3 waters later, I started this bender with enthusiasm.
• Friday - Same as Thursday.  At least I'm consistent.  At least I ran 3 miles after school/before the games. Throw in a few extra Snickers.  Both games went into overtime.
• Saturday Morning - Skipped a morning run because the weather chick predicted sleet and crappy conditions.  7am?  Clear and cold.  Can't make it out.  Missed my chance.  Inhaled 2 toasted bagels with butter for breakfast instead.  Didn't want to go to the grocery store hungry.  I lay out some clothes for a Sunday morning run.  Just in case.
• Saturday Afternoon - I was a Sample Whore at the store.  And it was Super Bowl food.  At this point, there's no turning back.  I'm assuming this is what Sheen thought once the briefcase of coke and hookers...er....adult movie stars made it into the house. 
• Saturday Night - I was a bartender at our church's Wild Game Feed.  Read that again.  Not only did I have access to all of the beer that I wanted*, but I consumed the following Saturday night:  Antelope, Pheasant, Beaver, Wild Boar, Deer, a side of rice, and about 4000 Budweiser products.  I think dessert was thrown in there, too.  Hell, I can't remember.  
• Sunday Morning - Rudely awakened by my 7 year old daughter at 5:30am.  5-fuckin'-30.  A morning run is not even on the radar.  Not much was consumed before 10am except for coffee and Advil.  I kept a waffle down, but just barely.  My meat coma came back to haunt me, too.  I won't go into details, but the whirr of our bathroom fan could be heard until about noon.  Oh, and our beta fish died.  Probably from asphyxiation.  I kid you not.
• Sunday Afternoon - Said 7 year old daughter's birthday party (hence, the early wake-up call).  Grocery store cake (extremely underrated) and ice cream.  17 screaming girls are not helping my situation.  
• Sunday Night - Super Bowl food.  Boneless wings, loaded tater skins, and beer cheese soup.  Oh, and more beer.  Tradition and everything.

I'm thinking that running/cross training should be Priority 1 starting today.  As a friend of mine said this morning, "shit needs to get serious".

Amen, a-fucking-men


*Bud Light Lime, while on it's own is horrendous, started to taste like Sprite after Hour #2